paganbabies
Changing the World
The reason people make awkward political rants after winning an Oscar is because a sense of obligation comes with such a public soapbox. The average acceptance speech lasts, what, thirty seconds? It cost advertisers about $ 1.7 million for a thirty second spot this year. That time is valuable. So if you're of a political mind and you win (and not in some ridiculous best-supporting-actor-in-a-foreign-language-documentary-short-cartoon type of category), you have a big audience at which to rant. Though admittedly it is an audience of middle-aged women who won't even hear to what you say but will remember exactly how disheveled you look. And the orchestra will probably quickly play you off. But the analogy here is that this website is a public soapbox and I've an obligation to make an awkward speech in the hope of positively affecting the world. Also I look disheveled. But most of you are not middle-aged women. Anyway, forget the Oscars. Today we're discussing the world's largest identifiable group of inconsiderate assholes: retail shoppers.
I should, perhaps, begin by familiarizing the reader with my retail background. I have worked at JC Penney for two years, through three Black Fridays and innumerable hangovers. For the first six months I worked in the Men's department, and after that I was transferred to Men's suits. A few notes about the specifics of these departments will prove beneficial later. In Men's suits (henceforth simply "suits") we are commissioned employees who have dominion over suits, sport coats and dress slacks and somehow dress shirts and ties got thrown under our control. In larger cities, dress shirts have their own dedicated staff. Everything else is the responsibility of associates in the Men's department proper. Though it is low on my list, the first of my lessons to the customer is this: In large department stores, it is an asshole move to approach someone in one department and ask their help in an unrelated area. I'll give an example: a customer approaches me wanting help with locating jeans for her son. Her reasoning is that her son is tall, I am tall: therefore I will pick out jeans her son will love and want to wear every day. Flawed logic aside, she has presented me with a reason why she chose me so it would be inappropriate of me to unload her on some cow orker in Men's. I now have to leave my selling floor to find jeans. To bring the point home quickly, the problem isn't so much the original customer, it is the five or six other customers that approach me while I'm over in jeans or underwear or kids, all with their own problems. I end up pissing away twenty minutes during which I have no commission opportunities at all. But as I said, this is by no means my strongest complaint. I could explain my situation to customers and probably avoid this trouble. But there are many troubles that cannot be avoided, all stemming from our species of concern: The Oblivious Shopper (Ovis myopicus in the family retailidae).
It is important to note that a full 70 - 80% of retail customers are very conscientious people with whom I've no problem whatever.
BUT...
My grievances against jackass shoppers are necessarily wide-ranging, and a full discussion of all their habits is beyond the scope of this article. Instead, I list below a small number of lessons that I would like my customers to to be aware of before their next visit.
1) Yes. The employees are paid to clean up after you. This does not mean you must act as though you are doing them a favor by making messes to clean up. They will not be dropped from the payroll if you fail to rip open that package of BVD's and strew the contents across three shelves.
2) If you do make a mess, do not think you are being cute by trying to hide it. OK, so you thought you had to unfold seven polo shirts to figure out that you didn't want a polo shirt in the first place. It is not clever to wad them up and place them behind a sweater display.
3) Just because the sign says "Clearance" does not mean you have to try extra hard to fuck up the display. And if we thought items would sell better there, we would throw them on the floor ourselves.
4) It is faster for all interested parties if you try asking an employee's advice before dismantling seven dress shirts to figure out what those numbers on the bag mean. THOSE ARE NECK AND SLEEVE MEASUREMENTS. This means you should GET MEASURED if you do not know your size. You weigh 260 pounds - a 15 will not fit you.
5) The fitting room is not a repository for your unwanted shit. I do not understand how an article of clothing goes from being something you considered purchasing to being a wadded pile of rags thrown in the corner like some kind of rape victim. No it is not all right if you just leave those nine pairs of 501 jeans in there, and don't shove them under the chairs either. If you walk out of a fitting room empty-handed you're a total jerkstore.
6) Sometimes there are more customers than employees in the store. You do not get your own dedicated helper to assist you while you quibble with your spouse over the color of a cardigan to match your cyan blue shorts.
7) After you mindlessly rifle through 24 shirts, saying to an employee, "Oh, sorry. We kind of made a mess there," does not excuse your actions.
I have long held the position that every member of American society should go through a compulsory term as a retail worker and another as a waiter - something modeled on the Israeli Army's program, but with two-week terms. And no guns. Until you have dealt firsthand with jackasses in these capacities, you run the risk of being a jackass yourself. It's something like that Robby Burns poem. And all you motherfuckers are crawling with lice. . . Those are metaphorical lice.
-bj- |